The Dream

-
I have this dream.

I wake up in a big, white, soft bed, alone. It's the kind of bedding you sink into. It's me- just naturally waking up - not in a panic, not by the annoying alarm on my iPhone, or the buzz of my Fitbit, or my engorged boobs. Not by Mason, or Annabelle, or Zack, or Andrew, or Caleb, or my husband. It's just my brain, well rested & refueled, waking me up. Because, well...because I've slept enough. So I open my eyes, and see the sunshine through the window, just a bit. Not too much, but enough for it to be pleasant. I stretch. And then sit up. Check my phone, no notifications. That means all my people are still alive & well. I am calm. AND RESTED. Coffee magically appears. The remote is within arms reach. I sit up, turn on the TV and flip to, oh...let's see...Bravo? Which "Real Housewives" season is on today? I will sit in that bed and drink coffee & watch Bravo for as long as I choose. Then I'll get up, change into my workout clothes & go for a run. A long, glorious run - void of any and all phone calls from my husband, kids, or bill collectors. I'll run for as long as I want without having to worry about when I fed the baby last, or if he'll need to eat soon, or if he's up from his nap yet. I'll just run. And when I'm done, I'll eat. I'll eat whatever and wherever I want. I won't have to share. I won't have to nurse & eat at the same time. I won't have to wait until nap time or bed time, I'll just eat. And then maybe, I'll have some wine in the middle of the day for no reason at all. Just b/c I feel like it. (I literally just let out a wistful sigh when I re read this) After I eat - I'll get a manicure & a pedicure & a massage - in any particular order. I'm not picky. Then back to that giant, white, soft bed. Where I will NAP. I will lay down and sleep, IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DAY! Without feeling guilty. Without thinking of the laundry piles. Or the dishes. Or the bathroom that incessantly smells like urine.Or what to make for dinner. Or when I need to wake from my nap to get ready for work. I would just nap. When I wake, I'll check my phone. I will have a text message from my husband. He and our 5 kids will send me a selfie. They miss me. I miss them, kind of.

I will walk in my house & they run to me. Happy to see me. Happy to have mom back. Happy that all is right in their worlds again. The older boys won't be showered, or wearing socks - and probably not wearing shirts. They will all smell faintly of BO. Annabelle will have the kind of hair little girls get when the wake up and eat jelly toast, while continuously using their jelly smeared hand to push their hair out of their eyes. The kind of hair that happens when someone gets them dressed and just swoops her hair behind her ears, without using a single stroke of a brush, jelly globs and all. She will have picked her own outfit & it will be too small, too big or WAY too fancy. The baby will have jelly on his face. And in his hair. He will not have pants on - countless diaper changes make it so obviously apparent that pants are just another obstacle. I will hold him & he will rub his face under my collar bone like he does when he is tired or wants to eat. My husband, bless his heart, will have a panicked look on his face that tells me that he missed me. And is desperately itching to watch ESPN uninterrupted or play his video games.

I will sit on the couch and feed my baby, and laugh with my daughter, and listen to the big kids tell me all the things that happened while I was gone. Surrounded by this insurmountable love. The same love that makes me dream of being alone for 18 hours. The same love that drove me back to them, AFTER those 18 hours.

It's like - Motherhood is this constant pull of loving these people so much you can't breathe...and these people loving YOU so much, you can't breathe.


Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Week One.

-
Image
You guys. I made it through the first week of the Whole30! Holy $hit. That's 7 days without a single morsel of: sugar. dairy. wheat or other grains (including quinoa). peanut forms. beans (including soy). I have eaten nothing but WHOLE food for 7 days. I don't really even know how I came up with the idea that this is what I wanted to try. It just hit me one day and then I ran with it. I recruited four other people to do it with me- mostly because I know there is strength in numbers and support is key for something like this. By Day 4 I was on my own. They had all either not started or decided to stop. This cleanse/diet/lifestyle is not for the faint of heart. In doing some of my reading I kept seeing the same thing over and over: It's highly restrictive and leaves no room for error. And it's true. In the true spirit of the program if you "cheat" you're supposed to start back to Day One. The idea is that it takes our bodies a full 30 days to cleans
Read more

How To NOT Rape People

-
This post can also be seen on Scary Mommy here!  http://www.scarymommy.com/how-not-rape-people/ Hey there! Are you trying to figure out how NOT to rape people? If so, you've come to the right place. I have compiled a list of some basic rules you should follow in order to maintain some peace in our civilized culture. In light of the recent events consisting of sexual assault in Hollywood, it has made me realize that these types of events are probably WAY more common than most people think. We only hear about the high profile ones. We don't hear about Ben down the street that has been harassing and assaulting God knows how many men or women over the span of a decade, do we? Nope. We only hear about the ones that make headlines. So to help some of you who seem to be confused about what is appropriate versus inappropriate, I am going to spell it out for you. I promise to make it clear, concise, and to the point. This should be easy to follow. If this leaves you confused,
Read more

live like you are dying.

-
Image
My dad passed when he was 43. He died suddenly from a stroke in his brain stem. We had zero indicators up to that point that anything was wrong, other than pressure on one side of his head which he thought was an ear infection and was seeing a doctor for later on that day. Later never happened. He was gone before his appointment that day.  As word spread, I distinctly remember everyone saying "He's so young." or "Only forty-three? That's so young!" I also distinctly remember thinking at the time "Yeah, he's young. But he's not that young." At 22 years old, 43 didn't really seem young to me. Even as adults, our parents always seem larger than life, don't they?  For the last 20 years I've said the phrase "My dad died when he was 43." more times than I can count. That age. That milestone. FORTY THREE. It's felt like a black cloud of doom for the last 20 plus years. It's felt like something that would happen to me
Read more