How to Make Your Mom Lose Her Sh*t

I am a calm individual 95% of the time - actually, my husband would probably dispute that. ha. Truth be told I have five kids and my life is in general chaos ALL. THE. TIME. So I feel like it takes a lot to get me riled up. But alas, I am human and at some point, I can guarantee you, I'm going to lose my sh*t. All moms do - don't EVEN bother telling me that you don't, Sanctimommy, because you do. We all do. I yell, and scream, and freak the f-word out. It doesn't happen often - but I've had a couple doozies that leave the kids looking at me like I grew 2 heads.

Lose My Sh*t Level 1: Dirty Diapers



The dirty diaper makers!
Edit: Annabelle (26 months) is now fully potty-trained!

The actual existence of dirty diapers does not make me lose my sh*t. Dirty diapers are inevitable. However, our two youngest babies share a room and in their room is what I call "The Changing Station". It's actually a built-in desk (this sounds a lot cooler than it actually is) between two built-in dressers (again, not as cool as it sounds). So we have the changing pad on the desk between the built-ins and then the diapering supplies to the side of the changing station for easy access. There is not a garbage can in their bedroom, for obvious reasons. I am not a fan of Diaper Genies (no offense for those that love them) so after I change diapers, I walk the diaper into the kitchen and throw it in the garbage. This task must be super hard and complicated because when my husband changes diapers he closes them up and sets them on the built-in dresser. AND THEN HE LEAVES THEM THERE. This creates a pile of dirty diapers that accumulates throughout the day/evening while I'm gone.  I honestly don't even know if he realizes he does this. I've never said anything to him about it. I just come home from work, go right to the babies room, fill my arms with the dirty diapers he has so lovingly stacked on the dresser, walk them into the kitchen, and angrily slam dunk them into the garbage can. **To be perfectly honest this might be the first time he's even hearing about my disdain for good ol' Mount Diaper-more**

Lose My Sh*t Level 2: The Arguing




See? They don't always argue. 

Now this one is primarily the big kids. They argue. And fight. And take digs at each other. And sometimes it gets physical. Sometimes I want to lock them all in a small padded room, pop in a pair of earplugs, and just let them duke it out. They are best buddies and would defend each other to the death, but there are times where I can't even stand to be around them and their constant bickering.

For instance, one time they literally argued about what the temperature was outside. They all pulled up the current temperature on an app on their phones/devices and then proceeded to argue about whose was correct/most accurate. This went on until I (you guessed it) lost my sh*t.

Another instance- When they were all in elementary school they used to have to walk to and from school since I had to be to work before school started and I was still at work when they got off.  One time while I was at work I got a Facebook message from someone and the conversation went like this-

Person: Hey, do your boys walk home from school by any chance?
Me (panicking): Umm, yes. Why?
Person: Do they walk by Vets Field on their way home?
Me *OMGGGG*: Yes...
Person: I think I saw all three of them fist fighting.
Me (Now I'm concerned): WHAT?! With who??
Person: Um (long pause) with each other.
Me (Plotting near death/punishment for each of them): Oh. (wanting to die of embarrassment and wishing I could disappear which is all but impossible. Thanks, Facebook.)*regain composure -clear throat* Well, I will definitely be talking to them about this when I get home. Thank you.

I mean, seriously - can't they just wait until they're in private to act like animals?


Lose My Sh*t Level 3: Coming Home to a Mess


As I mentioned before we have five children. Our home is not large. At all. When you have a lot of people in a small house the mess accumulates very quickly. The older kids all have chores to do and they have to be done every single day, even on weekends. This helps my husband and me out immensely. They usually do dishes, garbage, sweeping and picking up the living room. I work evenings and weekends so I'm home all day and make sure that the house stays in working order for when my husband and I do the changing of the guard, so to speak. There is nothing worse than coming home and having it look like a bomb of toys-books-dolls went off. So when I leave and the hubs is in charge of the children, I expect the house to look similar to what it looked like when I left. I don't think this is too much to ask, is it?

The idea is that if everyone just picks up their own crap and then all pitch-in at the end of the evening to help pick up the little kids toys and the rogue pieces of food from dinner (that somehow end up all over the house - HOW does that happen?!) -  Momma would come home smiling. But - when I come home and none of these things are done- everyone better take cover because it will ruin my mood for a week.   I usually enter through the garage service door - which leads into the kitchen.  I get home around 10:30 or 11pm after working and if the very FIRST thing I see is the dinner pots and pans and left over food still on the stove, not picked up, I want to turn around and walk right back out to garage, hop in my Durango and check into a hotel. (Side note: that's actually not a bad idea and kinda goes along the lines of my blog post called "The Dream" ha.) Honestly, there is NOTHING worse than waking up at 6am with a baby and a toddler and having to immediately start cleaning up dinner from the night before - just so you can get the little people their breakfast - especially since you weren't even home to eat said dinner, the night before.


Lose My Sh*t Level 4: Complaining


 I know people complain. It's in our nature to talk about things that we don't like and why we don't like them, I get that. The thing that gets me about this one is I find it really bothersome when people complain about something someone else is doing FOR THEM. My husband and I go round and round about this one and we don't see eye to eye on it, at all.

Example #1 Dinner. Our life is crazy busy and we are always on a budget so tight it would make most people cry. So I meal plan for 2 weeks at a time. I make a legit menu and then post it on the fridge. I do probably 80% of the cooking. So I make balanced healthy meals for my family of 7 or 8 (if you count my brother in law). If I make you a meal (I'm looking at you, kids)- and then you sit down and complain about it, I want to shove your face in it, repeatedly. I mean seriously, even if it's not your favorite - just eat the bare minimum (which in our house is at least one bite of everything) and then ZIP IT.  Because someone took the time out of their day to prepare you a well balanced, delicious meal and it's not cheap to feed a family of 7 (five of which are of the male species). I'm a fairly decent cook and I don't make gross food, so just eat it and be grateful. Or the alternative: make your own damn food.



 -Notice Mason's little hand (bottom left corner) -
I fold clothes with a baby in my lap sometimes.
Fun!

Example #2 The Laundry. Oh my gosh, the laundry. The Laundry is my arch nemesis. Like, if I ever win the lottery, I would seriously pay someone to do our laundry. I am TERRIBLE at it and I hate it sooooo much. But I do it. Every day. I do at least 1-2 loads every single day. I try to keep up the best I can but we have a lot of people in our house and our dryer is on the fritz (ugh), so it literally takes 6 hours to dry one load (this is not a joke). And doing laundry for seven people is no easy feat!  So when some people (my husband and boys) complain about their gosh darn socks not being matched up and put in their drawers, or their one favorite sweatshirt not yet being clean- it's almost grounds for divorce or at least that hotel stay I mentioned before. If you want your socks washed faster - guess what you can do? There is a simple remedy for that - and it is to...DO YOUR OWN DAMN LAUNDRY!  One time one of the older ones said "Well, I bet I'll never see that sweatshirt again. It takes Mom like 2 weeks to do the laundry." Ohhh, I'm sorry. Am I not washing your clothes fast enough, fourteen year old???

Lose My Sh*t Level 5: Asking People to Do Things Multiple Times

I will generally ask the people I live with, meaning my husband and children, to do something in a manor similar to this: "Hey so-and-so, could you come up here and put your back pack away, please?" The response I generally get is this: "Ummm, yeah - in a minute".  Ok, well that's annoying. And sometimes "in a minute" doesn't fly, it needs to be done NOW. But I can handle the "in a minute" thing sometimes because I know that when all the people ask me to do all the things, I hate feeling like I need to stop whatever it is that I'm doing and jump up and do what they ask (i.e. get them a glass of water, help with homework, help find socks, help find all the misplaced things in the entire world, or drive them to a friends house). So sure, I'll  give you a few minutes to finish up your task at hand. That way, when the time comes and they ask me to do something -  they'll extend me the same courtesy, right? Wrong.  But for the sake of this blog, let's just play along. Ok, So I'll ask them to put away their back pack and then they'll do the "In a minute thing", it will annoy me, but I'll go about my day and then realize that their back pack is STILL IN THE SAME SPOT. So I'll ask again, this time - not so nice: "SO-AND-SO! Get-cher fanny up here! Why is your back pack still laying here?" "Sorry, Mom. I'll be right up." Guess what? Thirty freaking minutes later the GOSH DARN BACK PACK IS STILL THERE, untouched and taunting me. This is where it gets ugly. "FOR THE  LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY, SO-AND-SO,GET YOUR BUTT UP HERE NOW! BEFORE I SHOVE THIS BACK PACK UP YOUR..." This is usually the time I hear them come bounding up the steps to remove said back pack.

And that, my friends, are The Five Levels of Nicky Losing her Sh*t.

I know a lot of these things are preventable. And I'm not looking for advice or things I can do differently to prevent me from losing my proverbial sh*t.

I think as parents we are constantly ON. We're constantly cleaning and cooking and disciplining and making sure all the people stay alive. In between all that necessary stuff - there's all this UNnecessary stuff. And that's the hard part. Most of the time I'm just trying to keep up. Just trying to make sure we have a car to drive, food to eat and place to live. And that's no easy task, either. So if I lose it every once in a while, so be it. I will embrace it. Because even if all these things are rectified - Momma will lose her sh*t about something else, and that's ok.

Thanks for reading,

Nicky "Losing my Sh*t since 2002" Owens